Search
  • Michael Mayes

DEAR BRAND. DON'T STALK ME, SEDUCE ME.

Dear Brand,


Sorry to leave you with this letter suddenly on Valentine’s Day of all days, but honestly, it’s become too much. I need my space.

I would have sent an email or messaged you, but to be perfectly blunt, I know that you’ve been tracking my computer and my phone, so I smashed them both and scattered the pieces across various recycling centres to get some sanity.


I’m going to spend some time away from you, out doing other things. And yes, there will be other brands there. I’m not going to tell you where, although I’m sure you have some way to find me wherever I go. Please don’t. You’ve been all over me lately. It’s getting creepy.


You weren’t always like this. When we first met, it was amazing. You were doing your thing. I was doing mine. I had been watching you from a distance for a while, checking you out. I loved how confident you were and how you handled yourself. You hardly even noticed me. It made me want to get to know you even more. Eventually, I got curious enough to walk up and say hello.


Remember that day? I do. You made me smile. You asked me questions. You showed me a few things you’d been working on. You let me wander around. And that was it. I left. It was only a minute or two. Five minutes, tops. And after that, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.


I would imagine being with you and wonder if we’d be compatible at all. I would picture showing you off to my friends, not really caring what they’d think. I never told you this before but once, when you weren’t looking, I took a picture of you and made it my home screen for a few days just to cheer me up.


And then, after that sweet, slightly awkward, yet lovely song and dance, we finally got together. You were wonderful. A little different than I imagined and yet somehow better, because it was real. We had a beautiful few weeks together and then… well, there’s no other way to say this, you started getting weird.


At first it was sending messages a little too often. Like that time I came to see you and you messaged twice the next day, asking how it was for me. It was fine, until you started asking. Don’t get me wrong, I love the special little things you do, like remembering my birthday. That’s sweet. But an exclusive VIP invite to visit you on the long weekend? I don’t know. I probably would have dropped by anyway. It doesn’t always need to be a whole “thing”, you know?


Really though, that wasn’t what ruined it for me. It was the stalking. Yes, stalking. I know you think it’s cute or endearing to pop up everywhere I go with customized messages and pictures you think I’ll like. Seriously? I just saw you. Are you worried I’m going to forget about you? Can’t whatever it is wait until I see you next time? Don’t you have other things to focus on?


I’m not saying it’s over. I really do think I like you. I’m just saying, if you want things to work out with us — don’t stalk me, seduce me. Do something amazing, then maybe send me the video. Figure out how to make something new that I’ve never seen before. Take some time off for once, roll up your sleeves and get involved with some charity work. That’s always sexy, as long as you don’t talk about it too much.


Just do your thing. That’s why I fell for you in the first place. You were mysterious. You wowed me. You played it cool. Don’t worry about me so much. And perhaps I’ll come knocking on your door again soon enough. I know where to find you. You’ve made it crystal clear.


Love From,


Your Customer.